Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5838 of 6446

life has no remote.change it yourself
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07-18-2010 02:43 by hamiisi
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Next time you shake someones hand, keep in mind that that is probably the hand they masturbate with...
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07-18-2010 01:28
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so glad he can't get anyone pregnant from poking all these lovely ladies on fb...he hopes! O.o
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07-18-2010 01:01
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Why when you wanna break up you hear this "u will never find someone like me?" NO Serious do you think that I leave you For being with someone like u????!
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07-18-2010 00:36 by BEGO
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Team Edward? Team Jacob? How about Team Dracula you pansies!!!!
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07-17-2010 23:36
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So many things remind me of You, mostly when I sit on the toilet.
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07-17-2010 23:35 by BEGO
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the only thing that keeps water from being a ho is the 2
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07-17-2010 22:42
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walked past the fridge last night and thought she heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song but when she opened the fridge door it was just chives talking.
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07-17-2010 21:49
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My husband asked for breakfast in bed so I told him sleep in the kitchen ;)
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07-17-2010 21:43
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downhill. Because thats how I roll!
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07-17-2010 21:42
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in a related story, I have two brothers, two nieces, several cousins, aunts and uncles.
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07-17-2010 20:13
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Utlimate compliment for a woman: I'm not drunk, and you are still cute!
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07-17-2010 18:57
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Why be so serious ? It's not like we're going to get out of it alive. so livin up fu(kers. an make it a great day for someone
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07-17-2010 17:39 by glenn
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I bet you're one of those people who take speed limit signs seriously.

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

Sarah Palin was paid 75,000 dollars for a speech at a California university last week. That works out to be about 25,000 dollars per coherent sentence.
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07-17-2010 15:26
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a friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing "someone's gonna get it!"

The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything

- My missus was so sick this morning........That I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast....
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07-17-2010 14:22 by Y.P
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I like the Summertime. But What I like the most is Women, Video Games, Pizza and Beer. So if I get all of those at the same time, then I've pretty much found my Center in the Sun."
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07-17-2010 13:43 by Dylan
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