Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   life has no remote.change it yourself

   Next time you shake someones hand, keep in mind that that is probably the hand they masturbate with...

   so glad he can't get anyone pregnant from poking all these lovely ladies on fb...he hopes! O.o

   Why when you wanna break up you hear this "u will never find someone like me?" NO Serious do you think that I leave you For being with someone like u????!

   Team Edward? Team Jacob? How about Team Dracula you pansies!!!!

   So many things remind me of You, mostly when I sit on the toilet.

   the only thing that keeps water from being a ho is the 2

   walked past the fridge last night and thought she heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song but when she opened the fridge door it was just chives talking.

   My husband asked for breakfast in bed so I told him sleep in the kitchen ;)

   downhill. Because thats how I roll!

   in a related story, I have two brothers, two nieces, several cousins, aunts and uncles.

   Utlimate compliment for a woman: I'm not drunk, and you are still cute!

   Why be so serious ? It's not like we're going to get out of it alive. so livin up fu(kers. an make it a great day for someone

   I bet you're one of those people who take speed limit signs seriously.

   I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

   Sarah Palin was paid 75,000 dollars for a speech at a California university last week. That works out to be about 25,000 dollars per coherent sentence.

   a friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing "someone's gonna get it!"

   The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything

   ‎- My missus was so sick this morning........That I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast....

   I like the Summertime. But What I like the most is Women, Video Games, Pizza and Beer. So if I get all of those at the same time, then I've pretty much found my Center in the Sun."