Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Complain: To explain your pain for no gain.

   Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.

   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

   What appears to be the end may really be a new beginning

   I like to pretend I'm a judge on "So You Think You Can Dance" when I'm at the strip club.

   blocked you from my news feed. I don't care how many mobsters you've iced, that you found a pink sheep on your farm, or that you've redecorated your virtual apartment.

   While driving saw a woman smoking in her Prius...obviously she doesn't see the irony!

   `edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light.do not be discouraged if you fail a few times`-napoleon Hill

   wondering who trains the suicide bombers how to do it..

   ~ A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

   went into a library dressed as a German classical composer and asked for a book on Austrian actors. The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach".

   walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1mb. That was a trip down memory lane.

   ~ A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

   pleased that Mr T has spoken out about the whole BP shemozzle. He said, "I pity the fuel".

   ‎~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.

   officially erasing all BOYS from her contacts!

   If you can't beat them, then you didn't swing hard enough the first time.

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant

   Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away...if you throw it precisely.