Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when at the drive thru they give you 2 packs of sauce sauce for a 10 nuggets, but 2 packs of ketchup for a large fry! WTF?!

   Drag racing would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to wear a dress.

   Charles Rangel has been accused of 13 violations of Congressional ethical standards. I'm surprised that Congress has ethics standards.

   - I've had so many f**king blind dates recently....I should be eligible to a free dog...

   Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you ain't as cute as you think you are

   "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery or use Facebook while under the influence of medication"

   I don't care if it's rude to stare, you are hot, so I will stare.

   Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.

   Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't do dumb stuff is fired.

   Facebook — where you always have something better to do, but don't.

   I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.

   It should be illegal to have humility as awesome as mine is.

   I was just about to say "we're all adults here" in a status update and then I came to my senses.

   You know what's awesome about working out? Not a damn thing.

   "I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy." -- J.C. McKay

   Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale.

   I may have been born without the "wait, you shouldn't do that!" gene.

   Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

   Why can we develop silencers for handguns but not vacuums?

   All I want is to find a cool person to hang out with until I drop dead. Not a lot to ask.