Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New Year's eve practice tonight

   wonderong how long you should wait before you should tell a highway it's adopted

   looks arent everything, but they sure do help

   GIRLS are so hard to understand.... If you go out with your boyz = ur too much of a player. If you want to be with them a lot = ur too needy .. WTF !

   I think it's pretty funny that people don't have a problem hitting the key pad several times to type out statuses, but FLIP OUT and start talking about starting farms on fire and killing animals instead of just hitting the one key "ignore" on a farm requ

   If you dont like being tailgated then dont play movies I like.

   Wonders if getting excited in your car is considered autoerotic?

   Sometimes I think if it weren't for the free coffee I would never go to work.

   "Cannot connect to network, try resetting your wireless router." Umm OK but what if my router is in my neighbor's house? Should I call him?

   If I were a pilot I would scream "WE'RE GOING DOWN" every time I landed the plane.

   It's hard to find a birthday present that says "I think your a douche but I still want a piece of your cake please."

   In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.

   My definition of urgent and yours must be different. Answer this, IS IT ON FIRE?

   I believe in love at first sight which is why I quit looking homeless people in the eyes. Just can't risk it.

   I think this coffee is broken.

   I like to slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the store and then watch their reactions when their checking out.

   If you're starting a sentence with "not to sound like a b*tch," guess what you're going to sound like...

   If girls just wanna have fun, then why do they get upset when you don't want a relationship afterwards?

   If your password is "password" then that is not the only thing I know about you.

   I will kill you, alarm clock. And your whole family and anyone you've ever cared about.