Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever said talk is cheap hasn't seen my phone bill.

   If you listen very carefully, you can hear Monday sharpening its claws.

   If I do enough different things in enough different ways, I may, eventually, do something right.

   I've never met a "Skip Intro" button I didn't like.

   I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives ME dirty looks for listening to everything they say.

   I'd like to thank my mom for helping me out of some real tight spots over the years. Starting with the day I was born.

   HELL YEAH, PAYDAY! I'm going to buy so many taxes.

   I am one beer away from another beer.

   I can tell when were expecting company because suddenly the toilet paper rolls have to go on the dispenser.

   I'm kind of amazed that everyone on Mythbusters still has eyebrows.

   Turns out, when the officer asks why you're not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T-Rex arms is only hilarious to you.

   Party! Party! Party! Lets all get wasted... Hold up wait, who's driving us home???

   Touch your toes And touch your toes And wish you'd skipped those Oreo's.

   ..is wondering what would happen if she went to her supermarket, opened a can of tomato juice on to the floor and yelled "CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THE TAMPONS ARE?! I NEED SOME ASAP!"

   i thought I saw you today, but as I got closer, I realised it was a trash can

   YES!!! I knew it... The world will not end in 2012 - I just found a condom in my wallet that expires in 2013.

   I rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you,then?"

   the reason why facebook created the "LIKE" Button

   The day my status says "in a relationship" check for flying pigs. k?

   Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.