Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You may think I'm dumb but you over estimate me.

   Drugs give me the confidence to do things I never thought possible. Like, lead police on a 12 hour high speed chase.

   on a spinny chair... now you see me... now you don't... now you see me... now you don't...and I get a paycheck for doing this lol

   The thing about unreliable people is that they are very consistent at what they do.

   men's prison is a lot like facebook...if someone really likes you, they'll poke you a lot

   NOT being considered to be a judge on American Idol!

   I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night.It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.

   why is the butter always in the back of the fridge??

   If you go to jail and get punked for your shower shoes, pissing on your feet is an equally effective way to disinfect.

   a lady cop pulls over a drunk, and says sir, anything you say may be held against you. the drunk man yells "titties"

   the one that started today's Brett Favre is set to retire rumor and is watching the aftermath unfold. Haha..gotcha!!

   A penny saved is a penny earned. But its easier just to take from the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar at the store. Afterall, that's why its there.

   always carrying brass knuckles, cause you never know.

   Time to put on my best sexual harrassment suit. It's much like my birthday suit, just... Okay, it's exactly like my birthday suit.

   has been on detox for 4 days and now knows how missisippi got it's name.

   I had a thought, then it smiled and waved goodbye.

   A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar, you cheap ba$tard!

   Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a small lake. One yells to the other: "Hey, how do you get to the other side? The other one yells back: "You're already there!"

   I was carring my baby cousin and a dragon fly lands on my shoulder in the parking lot. The shoulder that is also the start button for me to go into scream, panic, and drop everything mode

   Why is the Ice-Cream truck playing the theme from "Deliverance," "Deueling Banjos?" No wait, it's "Music Box Dancer." Whew! The fact that I can name THAT tune is scary in its own right...