Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ask your doctor if "Shutting the Hell Up" is right for you.

   "Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses.

   Guess drunk? I'm what!

   I would like to give you a piece of my mind, but this is my last piece.

   A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.

   It's not that I'm immature, it's just that you started it.

   had to fill out a doctor paper once it said "sex M/F" I didnt know what M or F was so I put"no thanx"

   love me or hate me either way your still.thinking about me

   I don't really like animals. When I watch Whale Wars I root for the Japanese.

   out clubbing this weekend. I'm going to beat my record of 12 baby seals.

   This just in, Paul the octopus is dead. Paul was "asked" if Farve was going to stay retired. Witnesses report that Paul changed color's rapidly, vibrated slightly and then exploded.

   may not make the history books, but she loves another with all her heart and soul, and that's all that really matters ♥

   singing a duet with the fat lady singing "myspace"

   the life of the party, even if I dont attend

   ...Kim Kardash begs fan NOT 2 get surgery 2 look like her. Kim's right. Someone in porn shoulda begged Heidi Montag not 2 look like one of THEM!

   If flatulence is a normal part of pregancy, why did they toss me out of my wife's lamaze class after I farted?

   DRINK TO FORGET BUT NEVER FORGET TO DRINK.

   Time is never wasted when your wasted all the time!!

   If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon?

   Him: "A wizard is never late, babe. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to." Her: "You're not fooling anyone, that was premature ejaculation and you know it."