Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has anyone ever checked out their reflection in the side of their car and thought "damn I would make one sexy ass midget!"

   starting a new cult for idiots and making Kool Aid

   Shark Week is over, but I'm not taking down my decorations

   Making mirrors look good since 1992

   whats dumber than being married to your best friend for facebook purposes??????

   Will be getting Rosetta stone for the 2 voices in my head that don't speak English. Wonder if I can get a group discount??

   Only one long utter but I love getting milked

   Umm whoever is thinking about me, could you please stop. I'm tired of running!

   Ladies if you want your man home more often in the next few months... Madden 11 is here... Oh and NFL SUNDAY TICKET ont be bad either!!!

   REAL! Don't let facebook fool you... Just because you can't smell, taste, or grab him through your computer screen does not mean he doesn't exist. Have faith little one, and your devotion will be rewarded...

   If opportunity really wanted my attention, it would have rung the doorbell.

   just recorded his own voice as a new ringtone for my phone: "You lost me again, you are an idiot" - this ringtone gets played everytime my office number calls my cell phone.

   This week the California gay marriage ban Proposition 8 was struck down the same day as the new 2011 IKEA catalog was unveiled. Coincidence?

   Some idiot in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do! Haha!!."I replied, "20 x 0 = 0!" That shut him up.

   Tanning spray ? Reminds me of Snooki just in large size.

   Its hot as hades outside, some people call it hell, I call it hades..ummmmhhhhhh

   Scientists say we use only 10% of our brain. Imagine how much better the world would be if we started using the other 60%.

   dear grades, get well soon...

   No one wasted their superhero/villain potential quite like Zack Morris and his ability to Freeze Time.

   it's really awkward when you invite your neighbors to your Shark Week party, and then you realize that your neighbors are tuna, and they probably don't observe Shark Week.