Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is with these married women and their excessively long names on Facebook? I wonder if Michelle Carrie Ann Thompson-Anderson realizes her last name is a f*cking run-on sentence. Trim that sh*t down, b*tch.

   I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt.

   Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for "after" photos.

   I bet the homeless are really nice people. They never wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet,I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.

   Girls don't shop because they need something, they shop for shopping's sake;)

   needs to figure out how to get the benefits of a sugar daddy without the 'daddy.'

   I'm Starving....well obviously not in a third world kind of way.....

   life is like a box of chocolates..and sometimes you get ex lax....

   climbing into your windows and snatchin yo people up...

   There is a guy walking down the street. He has sagging pants, a hoodie with the hood up, and a gold chain. He walks into a convenient store and pulls out a gun and says "Give me all of the money!" Quick, What was the race of the guy in your imagination?

   Thinking about moving to New York and setting up a mobile bacon sandwich stand about a couple of blocks from Ground Zero.

   If NASA is looking for anyone to go on a long term trip to Mars I would gladly volunteer right now. Anything to get the hell of this crazy planet would be good actually.

   Loading Swagg... ██████████████ 100% Complete.

   Is it bad that when I saw the name "Ke$ha" I automatically thought she was Black?

   My advice to strippers: Dont stop, get it, get it. Get that payment for your Civic.

   I think it was Confucius who said "I'm like a dog in heat, a freak without warning. I have an appetite for sex 'cause me so horny."

   I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.