Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching Teen Cribs with Miley Cyrus and Doing Lines with Paris Hilton

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.

   I love the point when you are finished with a transaction over the phone & you get to pretend that you are writing down the reference number.

   Fantasizing about your upcoming vacation is usually better than the vacation itself.

   I found out one of the fundamental differences between my girl and I today. While at the state fair we were walking through the animal barns and while she began ranking animals in order of cuteness, I found myself ranking them in order of deliciousness.

   When I have kids I hope that they are grateful and can appreciate the value of a dollar... not always requesting designer clothes, the best and newest toys and video games, and non-generic food. In other words, I hope they are nothing like me.

   The sweetest voice mail message at work is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."

   A guy on the subway couldn't squeeze past everyone to get off, so he yelled, "I think I'm gonna sh*t." Suddenly, people found a way to make room and he stepped off, smiling, and strolled away. Good one, sir.

   My prescription's instructions say to take 1 pill "by mouth." This begs the questions: Is there, in fact, a version of this I can take "by butt?" And if so, why the hell has doc been holding out on me???

   If I was running from the law (literally), I'd much rather be running from an athletic cop than a fat cop because an athletic cop will only tackle me if he catches me, a fat cop will shoot me just so he doesn't have to run.

   Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminum foil. Wrap foi laround your head, stay calm, and breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem. Copy & pas

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

   ..is drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...

   A huge gym opened up right next to my local bar. No thanks, I'll just stick to my one-armed pint glass curls, drunk friend dead-lifts and pick-my-drunk-ass-off-the-floor push-ups.

   The only reason I'd want to be both rich and famous is so that I can arrange dates with pretentious gold-diggers that are aware of my wealth and status -- then pick them up for our date in a beat-up, lime green Kia Rio and see their reaction.

   Girls, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a guy that makes more money. Guys, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a girl you like seeing naked... better.

   My friend was at a strip club and a girl came over and shook her goods for him while he talked to a friend not even looking at her. She said, "Scrw you, you didn't tip or even look at me?!?" Embarrassed, he gave her $20. My buddy got guilt stripped.

   I was not surprised to hear the obese woman in front of me in the Funnel Cake line say, "I only come to the fair to eat." However, I was skeptical when she added, "I like that I can eat AND walk around."

   I just read this in a news story: “Williams' body was found stuffed in a bag in the bathroom of his apartment with no obvious signs of foul play.” Um, isn't his body being in a bag in the bathroom a pretty good indicator that something went wrong?

   Every top 10 list I've ever seen has at least two entries that are clearly better than number 1... especially when it comes to the preseason College Football poles.