Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.

   X When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement

   partying isnt wasting money. its investing in good memories! :D

   I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   Amy Chavis Why do people write like this? It is really hard. "1 Wr!t3 L!k3 d¡s cu$ I r3a@lLy c@nT $p€ll"

   Freaking mosquito bite on my ankle, I would have rather got shot in the foot!

   There should be a statute of limitations on how long a person gets to blame their crappy childhood for their shortcomings.

   uhh... i'm no meteorologist but i'm pretty sure its raining b*tches..

   I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

   The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

   ggwwhhaaannn wayne rooney spending £1300 on a 1 night stand with a hooker!! cant fault you bra, wha else can he spend his money on..

   - Bored? Go to Google and play with their logo, see if you can knock a circle off the screen with the mouse (excluding the top part) :D

   If this past life dictating the stuff that happens to you is true, I really think that the previous life should leave an apology note or something. "Sorry dude but during this life, I did a lot of sh!t that's going to bite you in the @ss. Heads up."

   i didn't really change.. I just got tired of pretending..

   I wish falling in love had traffic lights, so that I would know if I should: Go for it, slow down, or just stop.

   Craigslist has just shut down their adult services section. Looks like the "used futon for sale" ads are about to get a lot more interesting

   I am strong because I have been weak, I am a lover because I am a fighter, I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am wise because I have been foolish & I can laugh because I have also known sadnes, I know my past yet I can see my future will be grea

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet, I have to watch and make sure it doesn't come back, zombie style, with revenge in its tiny heart.

   Don't you just love how all the Casino billboards get you excited to spend your money then at the bottom of them all they give you the gambler's addiction #... Thats like me putting up a Billboard for a Heroin Party n giving you the # to the cops...

   doesn't think them as underwear, he sees them more as a manhole cover.