Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There wouldn't be so many warning labels if we didn't have so many stupid people in the world.

   It's easier to drive to mars than to figure out how a male thinks .

   I have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake

   It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   You weren't the first to stake the flag son,but you walked on the moon..

   May those who love us love us, and those who do not love us, may God turn their hearts. And if he cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so that we may know them by their limping.

   Ooh crap! It's been over four hours.I'm grabing the video camera!

   I guess it's time to go to the grocery store. A mouse hung himself in the fridge with a note saying "Sorry,can't live like this anymore".

   Oh Crap!! It's been over 4 hours. Someone call a doctor!!

   An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

   Forecast tonight: Dark

   thinks that the mother and father bear from Goldilocks and the 3 bears had some relationship issues as evident from the fact that they had separate beds!

   The voices in my head have switched to sign language just to mess with me.

   Party like you will never be invited to another!

   thinks Facebook needs to add "imaginary" and "in denial" to the choices for relationship status...smh

   Dear 3rd stall over, flushing the toilet does not disguise explosive diarrhea. Thought you should know.

   The worst feeling isn't being lonely. It's being forgotten by someone you'd never forget.

   If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

   I am rotating the tire on my unicycle!

   People need to realize that they cant control wether or not their partner cheats on them.