Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the 11th commandment; Thou shalt not mess with Leroy Jethro Gibbs

   finally catching up with my emails…..ballon boy?…..how crazy is that?

   why is it after I press 1 for english, I still cannot understand the person on the other line?

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

   I want to date a girl with an accent. Well....maybe just a really slow girl that sounds like she has an accent. I'm not picky:)

   Men like hot showers. Women like scalding hot showers that cause any man in the shower with them to act like a wussy b*tch about it.

   I would dress up like a Kardashian for Halloween but it's difficult walking around with a vacuum up your ass to get the pulled back face look.

   Italy seizes $30 million from the Vatican in probe. Nice to finally see the Catholic clergy on the receiving end of a probe.

   By now, Colonel Sanders has killed more people prematurely than if he were an actual military officer.

   I really hope that my last words in this world are: "I wonder what this does..."

   Lindsay Lohan's upcoming film could be derailed by her failed drug tests. That is, unless her acting gets to it first.

   I know it's my kind of bar when the bathroom door has a sign that says: "No couples. One at a time."

   Grumpy old man: "You need to pick up after your dog." Me: "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up, be my guest."

   It's impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.

   First drink & people speak their mind, 2nd drink people speak their heart. 3rd drink & people speak from their ass

   I'm not a Facebook Freak!.... says the guy updating his status from the toilet

   To the lady at Walmart wearing the "Bootylicious" shorts. If I can read that whole word...then that booty isn't licious!!!

   No porn music has ever gone "bow-chicks-wow-wow" ever. EVER!

   I got 99 freinds on FB and TOM ain't one:D

   Just brought some things the the shop..went to pay for it and the lady at to the counter said "1.69 please". I said "Sorry.Can't I pay with money instead?"