Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   I saw a sign outside a church today it said: "The most powerful position, is on your knees..." *naughty thought*

   X Did you Just say somthing, or did your brain fart..

   You're skin is such a nice orange, what ethnicity are you? Carrot, perhaps?,

   There's a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in doritos.

   You're about as uselss as the first slice of bread.

   knows that my man really love me by asking him if he does while he's sleep talkin'. It works.

   Likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you.

   would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.........

   Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.... it`s called "TRYDIXAGAIN

   ‎9/11 is a perfect example of why we can't pretend airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars :P

   at the nail salon & a lady working there asked me something. I couldn't understand, so I asked my nail tech to tell her that. He turns and said to her, "She stupid, she no understand". thx a lot nail tech..no tip for you! ha

   I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   Excuse me miss I believe your ass is on fire... let me help you put it out

   In America they call it Survivor, in Canada we call it camping.

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.