Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   god I was so late for work today that I was almost early for my next shift

   "More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Okay has anyone ever stopped to think how pissed of, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be once released from the barrel?

   I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy owed me a lot of money!'

   When you're crying & someone asks you if you're sad, punch them in the face and ask them if they're ok?

   Kid, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

   Katy Perry's cleavage too much for Sesame Street "HELLO" Elmo is naked

   Every hard boiled egg is yellow inside.

   modest and proud of it.

   This is some bullish!t. My leg fell asleep before me... :(

   If I ever reach a point where the best part of waking up is foldgers in my cup....... I'm not sure I wana wake up

   I pay a lot of money to get that vanilla/coco butter smell in my car. I want hookers to feel welcome, not like they're stepping into a death trap.

   No matter how little I do in a day....I always feel like I could have done less.

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian royalty to share huge sums of money with strangers...

   I never knew what a sweet dream was.... Until I fell asleep thinking about you...”

   Communication during sex is like scratching someone's elses back, its not a insult to your ability if they say "little to the left and harder!" to get that spot.

   Getting old is like a haunted house. There are sounds and smells that can't be explained

   believes dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel.

   Told my friend if he causes us to go to jail, I am slapping the soap out of his hands...

   ask "What have you done today to prepare for a zombie outbreak."

   Why is it a relationship often turns into a relationsh*t?