Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont like my women single.. I like my chicks in 2's

   Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "Use By" date?

   In terms of emotional comfort it is my belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made c0cktail.

   Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

   Dude... "Who else would put up with me?" is not a good compliment to give your girlfriend.

   Ya know when ya go on vacation and you just can't wait to get home to take a nice, healthy dump?

   Show me a person who can be trusted with a laser pointer, and I will show you someone whose soul has died.

   Nobody notices what I do..until I don't do it.

   When I say, "Hold that thought," it's just a polite way of saying I'm not interested.

   Ringing in the "New Year" apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late... in October.

   .Neighbors get really angry when they catch you on their roof adjusting their satellite dish.

   knows one thing about the speed of light...it gets here way too early in the morning.

   note to mistress...if I am ever trapped in a mine or anywhere that TV crews and the WHOLE world is watching...please keep your a** at home..watch it on TV..I will call you when I can....just sayin..lol Happy Thursday...smile

   now that the Chilean miners are out... any chance we can put the Jersey Shore cast in?

   Prove that lightning isn't wizards fighting. You can't.

   in honor of the Chileans I will be having Chili for dinner:)

   Chili usually comes to my rescue when I have things trapped in a hole.

   relieved. He hasn't seen this many miners since Neverland closed.

   Heard the best pick up line of my life last night: "Excuse me. Are you capable of an intelligent conversation?"

   Capsule used to rescue Chilean miners is now a prototype for all new coach seats on all US domestic flights....