Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Logging off Facebook is like trying to get away from the bar. It's always, "I'll just have one more..."

   They have tracking on Facebook so your family and friends know where you are? If I wanted them to know where I was I would answer my phone.

   I'm old enough to know what's bad for me and young enough to do it.

   The hell with Calgone...Whiskey take me away!!!

   found Jesus! I spoke to him on the phone today and he lives in Hampstead, Florida and he works for Dish Network!

   Any ever noticed that lol looks like a tiny person raising the roof?

   poking Osama bin laden to update his location on Facebook.

   Bought a CD of ice cream van music.Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.”

   Obamacare ~~ It's the healthcare 9 out of 10 illegal aliens recommend the most!

   to the two men who laughingly dismissed the cute blonde walking in front of us because "she's got muffin top": SO DO YOU, you just cleverly hide your early-30s pudge in those relaxed-fit Dockers you're wearing. P.S. You are balding.

   thinks Sesame Street should keep Katy Perry and ban Elmo.

   If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.

   Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

   If your friend doesn't lift a finger to help you...it is time to first lift a finger and then lift five fingers to wave goodbye!

   Dear alarm clock, that stunt you pulled this morning waking me up was not funny at all. Next time you wake me up early you will see me with a hammer in my hands

   just found out that the next Hannah Montana will be played by Justin Bieber!

   Statistics show that plus size women are worth $10 billion to the fashion industry...ha ha that's nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry!

   You aren't the first woman to have a baby so EVERY status update doesn't have to mention what the baby did, ate or is wearing!!!

   just read an ad in the paper about " free to good home, Hampster, slightly used." whats that all about?

   salutes Dr. Seuss, who died today in 1991. Cats in hats, green eggs, Whoville? Thanks for the inspiration to take drugs!