Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   kids learn from fairy tales. like goldilocks and 3 bears teaches us that you can sneak into people's place, eat their food, break their furnituer and sleep in their beds as long as you can run fast and you are blond!

   saying, i'm not moody, just don't want to talk to you every wed and fri..

   silence is golden, but duct tape is silver

   so drunk , I thought my toothpaste was astronaut food....

   I raised an eyebrow once. He's an adult now, and he never calls or visits.

   It's always awkward when you run into your ex with a car.

   The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

   : Snowwhite sleeps with 7 men, Tarzan is half naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Pinocchio always lies, Aladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives 200 mph, That's what they teach us as kids... no wonder we f*ck up sometimes....

   wondering why Texas is flying it's flag all over the country of Chili?

   I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel...Just hopeing it's my friends with a 2 million watt spotlight and not a train....

   's son has been looking for his Nintendo DS for the last month.Last night we found it in the bushes in front of the house.Kids: you can't live with 'em, you can't beat them over the head with their neglected portable gaming systems to teach them a lesson.

   illegal touching, number 7 Offense.

   Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

   I'm Dyslexic when I hate it

   Oh sh*t, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up.

   We childproofed our homes but they are still getting in.

   And on the final day God said ..." Let there be football!"

   " For It was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. It was not my hand you held but my love. "

   I'm so mean, I make my fish watch me eat pizza. And don't offer any.

   Fools rush in... and get the best seats in the house.