Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I flip that middle finger and that index finger follows. Deuces!

   Cruel irony: the owner of Segway died in a Segway accident yesterday. Google it, it happened.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   Nobody is perfect, I am Nobody.

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Bandaids come in two varieties. The kind that won't stay on and the kind that won't come off.

   n't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office?

   When someone say "You Changed" that means you are not catering to them any more

   Have you ever been to a town so small that when you say, "Hey Bubba"! everyone turns around and waves?

   I'm hearing that the founder of Friendster is donating like $75 to the University of Phoenix.

   Starbucks says that the rising cost of coffee is forcing them to raise prices. Oddly, they never seem to lower them when coffee prices drop

   Seriously, why is Lindsay Lohan's 4th drug test fail helicopter-worthy? At this point the press should be sending scooters.

   When there was only one set of footprints, that was when Jesus was flying. What, you don't think Jesus can FLY??

   At the Halloween store: the "Slutty Frankenstein" costumes aren't flying off the shelves.

   Inventor of Segway drives it off cliff to his death. Bet he wishes he would have invented a hang glider.

   Men are like movies. After 3 plays, you want to return them.

   hates it when the doctor tells me I'm going to feel a slight sensation... *shudder*

   Everyone around me Getting Married OR Pregnant, But am getting DRUNK!

   I bought a piece of furniture last night, but when I woke up it was gone. Who knew they made one night stands!?

   Happy Birthday to YOU, Google. May this be the year you find what you've been searching for......