Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   as confused as a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

   Have you ever looked at the last few loads of dirty laundry and considered just throwing them away??

   Wonders why eleven isn't just onety-one...

   I wish the ATM machine would spit me out an extra 20 just one damn time!!

   Did you know that you can't hum with ur nose plugged??

   Do sheep get heavy in the rain??

   bored of poking, can we have a spank button??

   Remember, we're not here for a long time, we're here for a GOOD TIME!!!

   Mean people suck. Nice people swallow. Great people do BOTH. ;)

   The NFL should change it's name to the little girls league with all these rules. Football is a violent and physical sport, if you get hurt, it's part of the job.

   It's time for attention to pay me instead.

   Imagine how much fun women in burkas must have tagging each other on Facebook.

   dressing up as a ball player for the NY Mets for halloween. I figure I won't need a uniform either since at this time of the year, they are all wearing street clothes now anyway

   The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

   looking at her man, wondering how come he is a knight in shining armor one day and a retard wrapped in tin foil the next.....

   My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.

   The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. that way, they never suspect you hung up on them.

   When I “rage against the machine” the machine is usually a printer.

   Composeurs pretend to write classical music.

   During Obama's appearance on Mythbusters, Glenn Beck will debut his new Fox News show, Mythspreaders.