Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   is thinking of auditioning for The X-Factor next year. Do I go with the dead relative story, or should I just rock up in a wheelchair?

   thinks it would be hysterical if Brad and Angelina's daughter, Shiloh Pitt, turned out to be dyslexic.

   Yea OK... Like I am the only man who ever wears feathers in his hair from time to time.

   My Doctor said I have a deficiency of vitamin C in my body. I guess Stoli Orange it's not a good source of vitamin C.

   Theres 2 types of people in this world.. People who have been bitten by the Easter Bunny and people who haven't..

   WOOHOO!!!! IT'S FRIDAY!!!!! Wait a damn minute, I'm working 7 10's, every day is a god damn Monday for me.

   According to all the forwards I received and never re-forwarded since I've been on the net, I will die 238 times and will have bad luck for 896 years

   Loneliness taught me evrythng in this world, Except Hw 2 4get the person who made me alone ...

   The fastest way to stop "terrorism" is to stop screwing around with other peoples countries.

   c[_] <- this a cup of HTFU. drink it and get on with it

   between the soccer team that crashed in the Andes and those 33 miners, Chile has a very good record of disasters with happy endings...

   I accidentally spilled Spot Remover on my dog... now he's gone :)

   Only you old school pervs will get this one: BOB GUCCIONE'S TOMBSTONE: Here Lies "Name Held Upon Request" 1930-2010

   It's better to give than to receive... especially in prison.

   Laying on my TV watching the couch. I needed to switch things up a bit.

   There are two types of people in the world - those who have had Dinty Moore's Beef Stew and those who have not.

   In honor of Christine O'Donnell, I am designating November as Lack of Awareness Awareness Month.

   BREAKING: "Hey, Where Is Everybody?" Says Chilean Miner No. 34

   Some kids were dropped as a baby ... you were clearly thrown in the air, smacked by a ceiling fan, hitting the wall, and tossed out the window..

   If you "think" you caught me scratching my nuts, you just missed it when I said "I don't give a f*** who sees me"