Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow !!!!!! this is the oldest i've ever been, I fell Great..... Just out ran the kid next door to the ice cream truck, so what if he's only 10, i've still got something left in the old tank... It's a good day, a really good day!!!!

   wants to remind everyone that all those little ghosts, goblins, princesses, and witches are having the time of their life so please drink responsibly and drive safetly.

   Perfect nite for New Years eve practice....You can build up your alcohol tolerance in disguise to hide the fact your a lightweight.

   If a toyota prius crashes into a tree, does it make a sound?

   trying to find the differences between an Oompa-Loompa and Snooki... gotta be the hair!!!

   Happy Halloweenkend!!

   ...this year in California, the most popular Halloween mask is Arnold Schwartzenegger. The great thing about it is: with a mouthful of candy, you'll sound just like him!

   i find myself trying to like text messages..wtf?

   Thats the last time I order cheap printer cartridges from yemen.......

   The devil and I go way back. It all started that day we were playing with matches!

   starting an oatmeal delivery company.I`m leaning towards naming it Haulin` Oats.

   : I've decided that when I get to superstar status, I will not have a security guard. I will have a ninja.

   The deaf can now also enjoy phone sex......... by texting

   hi weekend! let me introduce you to my basement..........you're not going anywhere!

   put the bom in the bom sha-bom bom, but lays no claim to the ram in the ramalama ding dong

   Why does a pumpkin smile after being torn out its entrail ..

   so busy , in fact I have more on than a redundant stripper.

   As my 5 year-old nephew and I carved my pumpkin today, I swear I heard him say, “That's what happens to snitches.”

   I got to get my life on track if I still expect Elton John to change the lyrics of "Candle in the Wind" for me.

   Did anyone ever think that Charlie Brown could have used some counseling? I mean seriously, the kid was bullied, made fun of, and was bald by the time he was ten!