Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   currently in a status update war with someone who thinks they are funnier than me, that hilarious!

   I think I suffer from CDO ... Its like OCD, but in alphabetical order, LIKE IT SHOULD BE!!!

   has a awaiting list to accept friend requests, but $50 may get you to the front of the line

   so I was digging a booger out and got blindsided by middle managment who gave me no time to react before they were shaking my hand and introducing me to new staff...and I don't feel guilty about it..boogers on you!

   i feel bad when I see strangers with their zipper down I want to tell them but I feel I would be inviting danger into my life

   why do boogers hang on to your finger like their life depended on it.

   its a shame that your profile picture is the only good pic you have out of the 500 albums you created.

   invented the eye roll in <insert year you were born>, seriously I started that.

   Coming with a good status is 3% talent, 97% comes from stealing it from the internet.

   i wonder if cows kno how good they taste.. .

   Bruno Mars told me, "If perfect is what you're searching for then just stay the same."

   When someone changes their relationship status to "It's complicated." it always means that they don't know which hand to use...

   I throw my sandwich in the air sometimes saying ayo I said no mayo.

   thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.

   If she fu@ks like she complains, you're in for a treat!!

   Come on, give me that booze you little pumpkin pie hair cutted freak.

   Hiking is just walking where it's ok to pee. (sometimes old people hike by mistake)

   I don't think tom even uses myspace anymore.

   "...and if elected, I promise you will never hear from me again..."

   If a police officer stops you for speeding, ask the officer "than how did you catch up with me?"