Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roses are red. Bullets have lead. Take me back. Or get shot in the head.

   When someone says "You're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best.

   I'm getting my "Happy Halloween" out of the way right now. I will probably be too hungover to remember or care tomorrow

   Wow you're really cute from far away. I think a long distance relationship could work.

   Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.

   Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

   Its pretty sad I have to put parental controls on Google just to get pumpkin ideas.. Do not Google anything ending with "on a broom".

   He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

   Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

   The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

   BEFORE MARRIAGE: Saturday Night Fever AFTER: Monday Night Football

   If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

   Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

   Life is a comedy for those who think... and a tragedy for those who feel.

   going to a fancy dress party in just his underwear tonight... and when people ask "what you come as" i'll say " A Premature Ejaculation, I've just come in my pants"

   Wow !!!!!! this is the oldest i've ever been, I fell Great..... Just out ran the kid next door to the ice cream truck, so what if he's only 10, i've still got something left in the old tank... It's a good day, a really good day!!!!

   wants to remind everyone that all those little ghosts, goblins, princesses, and witches are having the time of their life so please drink responsibly and drive safetly.

   Perfect nite for New Years eve practice....You can build up your alcohol tolerance in disguise to hide the fact your a lightweight.

   If a toyota prius crashes into a tree, does it make a sound?

   trying to find the differences between an Oompa-Loompa and Snooki... gotta be the hair!!!