Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   yo' momma's so poor, the rainbows in her neighborhood are black and white

   The World Much Easier when APPLE and BLACKBERRY were still a FRUIT..:D

   Saw a picture of me at the costume store. Unfortunately its called the lonely, horny and drunk costume

   Dear God, it's me again. Can you bring the toolbox? My life needs fixing.

   Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

   How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on..

   I think Fb is stupid. Last time I tried changing my password to penis and Fb said it 'wasn't long enough'. How the hell do they know?

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   How awesome would it would have been if David Blaine had somehow been the first one brought up out of the mine.

   and THAT is how the firecracker got in my pants doctor

   Sean Connery came round my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, so all my ornaments fell off. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm ashamed of my shelf"

   I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them

   guys can go 5 years without seeing eachother and reunite with a handshake and small talk...girls can't go 5 minutes without seeing eachother and reuinite with screaming, jumping around, and hugs...

   looking for a job! "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job..."

   Girls just want to have funds!

   No coffee no workee.

   so Columbus Day has come and gone, but I'm still not taking down my decarations

   There is no way your putting a giant pretzel inside me..

   Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids

   Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good