Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5536 of 6446

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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11-02-2010 04:17
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I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition
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11-02-2010 04:08 by mmZZ41n
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Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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11-02-2010 01:59 by darsh
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O.K. so with the whole calorie burning thing...if your body burns so many calories when it is cold, trying to keep itself warm...then the trick to weight loss would be to go outside in little to no clothes on and "chill". wonder how long you hafta stand t
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11-02-2010 00:50
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I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
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11-02-2010 00:38
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When going voting I always feel like I am playing a game of pacman with the people out front trying to get you to sign stuff
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11-02-2010 00:04
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currently unavailable. Please hang up and try again.
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11-01-2010 19:45 by AnnaJ
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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it's my legal obligation to feed you something.
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11-01-2010 19:44
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There's something oddly satisfying about turning off my computer by holding down the power key. Who's in control now, b!tch?
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11-01-2010 19:41
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Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.

I wonder if it's possible for someone to have a baby and NOT make it their Facebook profile picture.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

■Cigarettes are like hamsters… perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
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11-01-2010 19:27
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■I've got a full 6 pack, but it lacks the plastic thingy to holds it all together.
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11-01-2010 19:26
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Some women are terribly hard to please… the rest are impossible!
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11-01-2010 19:25
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I'll take SPORTS SUPERSTARS for $1000 Alex. The answer: Allen Iverson and Randy Moss. *buzzes in* Who are 'people that no one wants on their team anymore?'
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11-01-2010 19:03
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when your feeling down remember you were that one sperm who won the race.
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11-01-2010 18:50
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You guys want further proof there is no God? Justin Beiber is starring in his own movie about himself. Called Justin Beiber Never say never... IN 3D!!!!!! wish I was lying...

Why did the little girl blush when she opened the fridge?...She saw the salad dressing!!
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11-01-2010 18:10 by CLB
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learned something today: when a homeless man is blocking an entire stairwell, vigorously fiddling with his crotch, it is in everyone's best interest that he simply be left alone.