Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition

   Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   O.K. so with the whole calorie burning thing...if your body burns so many calories when it is cold, trying to keep itself warm...then the trick to weight loss would be to go outside in little to no clothes on and "chill". wonder how long you hafta stand t

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.

   When going voting I always feel like I am playing a game of pacman with the people out front trying to get you to sign stuff

   currently unavailable. Please hang up and try again.

   Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it's my legal obligation to feed you something.

   There's something oddly satisfying about turning off my computer by holding down the power key. Who's in control now, b!tch?

   Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.

   I wonder if it's possible for someone to have a baby and NOT make it their Facebook profile picture.

   Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

   ■Cigarettes are like hamsters… perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

   ■I've got a full 6 pack, but it lacks the plastic thingy to holds it all together.

   Some women are terribly hard to please… the rest are impossible!

   I'll take SPORTS SUPERSTARS for $1000 Alex. The answer: Allen Iverson and Randy Moss. *buzzes in* Who are 'people that no one wants on their team anymore?'

   when your feeling down remember you were that one sperm who won the race.

   You guys want further proof there is no God? Justin Beiber is starring in his own movie about himself. Called Justin Beiber Never say never... IN 3D!!!!!! wish I was lying...

   Why did the little girl blush when she opened the fridge?...She saw the salad dressing!!

   learned something today: when a homeless man is blocking an entire stairwell, vigorously fiddling with his crotch, it is in everyone's best interest that he simply be left alone.