Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love songs are liars.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?...me neither...

   Dryer broke, microwave works, laundry is now dry.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook.

   Sexy Mode [ON] OFF

   I'm happy for you as long as you're not happier than me.

   They told me to set my clock back Saturday night... Well I set mine back till when I was 27... Come Sunday morning after partying all night... I found out that it didn't work out so well...

   it safe to smoke an electronic cigarette on a plane???

   Dad...I forgot to brush my teeth before school. That's okay...here's a piece of gum:)

   Ladies, my lost and found box is getting full. So, if you're missing an earring, silk scarves, lingerie or a prosthetic leg....let me know.

   Time for the daily stare contest between me and my TV

   currently accepting applications for a new girlfriend. The competition is pretty fierce! I've already received on that stated under military experience, “I go commando several times a month.”

   The Christmas cheer has begun.... American Express commercials just announced if you use their card ...they'll donate ONE SHINY PENNY to charity...... is there any way to spend LESS,,,, nice JOB AMEX

   thinking of celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way ...... I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood over to my house, have an enormous feast, then kill them and take their land.

   Having lived and loved, I can tell you that life is the constant and love is the variable.

   How come everyone post their problems when 2:00am comes, but nobody post how horny they are.

   Im going to get a tattoo of my face on my back just so I could see who stabs me in the back..

   I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   Who cares if my grandkids aren't gonna see a polar bear? I didn't see a dinosaur

   from the moment I saw u, I wanted 2b inside u, The way you smell, The way ur tongue feels, The way you tighten n loosen.....mmmm new shoes