Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

   Could you imagine the conversation between an owl and Mike Jones?!

   Why be the doctor when you can be the patient? Why cook the food when you can eat it? Why drive the car when you can sit shot-gun? all these are reasons why I enjoy watching other people work.

   My Pagophobia always seems to kick in around this time of year.

   In the game of Life, everybody is bald and rides with the top down.

   I JUST SAW MCDONALDS IS BRINGING BACK THIER "MCRIB" SANDWICH AGAIN. FROM WHAT I REMEMBER AFTER EATING ONE YEARS AGO, I THINK I'm GOING TO CUT OUT THE MIDDLE MAN. I WILL BUY IT AND THEN PUT IT DIRECTLY IN THE TOILET. I WILL SPARE MYSELF THE DISCOMFORT

   just heard the villian in the next Batman movie is a guy who's exposed to high levels of radiation and becomes the Speaker of the House of Representatives

   Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

   been searching and searching all her life, and STILL can't find the yellow brick road!

   Do you ever get so mad you start texting/typing with your middle fingers?

   Today's Email: "I moved Bush's new memoir to the crime section at my bookstore".

   Queen Elizabeth now has a Facebook page,going to give her a poke

   I want to donkey punch ignorant people

   It's not "When Wild Animals Attack!" as much as it is "When Stupid People Get Bit."

   how do you spell procrastination? F-A-C-E-B-O-O-K...

   had some sushi for lunch but it seemed a bit undercooked

   Please do not open any messages from me that are entitled "Do not open , This is a virus which will destroy your hard drive then come to your house and donkey punch you in the back of the head"

   At the Photography Studio: "First, we'll shoot you, then we'll blow you up, then you can go home and hang yourself."

   I always text 'lol' but rarely do I actually "laugh out loud". I'm such a liar.

   People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store.