Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag.

   The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole "think before you speak" thing.

   Never think of the past it brings tears, If you think of the future it brings fears, so live life in the present & drink chilled BEERS Bon Okterber Fest

   Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.

   A law that made it illegal to lie about military medals has just been overturned. On a side note, my resumé just got a lot more interesting......

   Remember the days of He-Man, Ninja Turtles, Rainbow Brite, Pound Puppies and Pee Wee's Playhouse? Those Saturday mornings were worth getting up for....

   This Country Is That Bad Even The Monopoly Board Is In Resession

   I think my girlfriend's hallucinating. She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a little tiny bit of BS around your lips.

   What's the quickest way to lose 190 pound of ugly fat ? Divorce her!

   What's the quickest way to lose 190 pound of ugly fat ? Divorce him

   If anyone from Chile ever asks me to play hide-n-seek, I am going to hide first cause those guys are good!

   BRB, I gotta go "rescue some miners", if ya know what I mean. hope they can swim...

   I need a conclusion that excludes you.

   maybe we can chug on over to mamby pamby land, where Maybe we can find some self-confidence for you, ya Jackwagon!! ...... tissue? ...... crybaby

   In a world without walls and fences - who needs Windows and Gates?

   There is nothing worse than the feeling of a cushioned toilet seat!

   I had a life once. Now I have an internet connection and a Mac book.

   maybe or maybe not feeling ambivalent today

   The beatings will continue until morale improves.