Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does any one want 200 broken triple A batteries? There's no charge.

   I bought some new "London Bridge Jeans" They keep falling down.

   Like a blind man in an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through

   Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to keep on my toes.

   I'm tired of girlfriends treating me like a god, as in only call on me when they need something and ignore me the rest of the time.

   My supervisor said I'm worth my weight in gold so I'm eating these donuts to increase my value.

   I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   January is the month that people are most likely to be fired — especially if you’re an elf.

   I'm sick of people contradicting me when I insist that there IS such a thing as an emotional support lasagna.

   *The only differance between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

   Today is January 5. I still have quite a lot of last-minute shopping to do.

   I'm so excited as Justin Bieber has a new single out!.....just seeing who my real friends are.

   Accidentally typed Sybian instead of Simba and let me tell you Disney themed p 0rn does not screw around

   Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

   I don't care how old I am. If a toy says "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons...

   * You know you're old when your pants waistband is up to your nipples.

   *My mother inlaw is so old, that she has an autograph copy of the Bible.

   It doesn't actually bother me much that I'll keep forgetting to write 2020 on my checks. What does bother me, is that it's 2020 and I'm still writing checks.

   The most disappointing sentence in the human language is "This next song is off of our new album".

   Some sad news to report on the second day of the new year....Our Hamster, Louie passed this morning, he fell asleep at the wheel