Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has been texting so much today that now I move my thumbs from side to side when I'm actually talking to someone.

   does not like taking surveys. Do you A) Agree B) Somewhat Agree C) Not Agree

   Do what you love, and the money will follow, unless what you love is Facebook.

   does not call it lying down...I call it landscape mode.

   If I had money to blow, I would hire two private investigators to follow each other.

   Step 1: Go to Google. Step 2: Type “who's the cutest”. Step 3: Hit I'm Feeling Lucky. Step 4: Enjoy.

   had a dream that this woman was trying to kill me with a butcher knife...which makes me think the woman of my dreams is not someone I should be looking for.

   If your dog is the only one excited when you walk in the door from work even though you make 6 figures.......... you have failed conclusively!!!!!

   I don't wear a watch because I decide what time it is.

   ‎654 women were admitted into the hospital, and 542 died with a heart attack! Now tell me who in the hell spreaded the rumor that I'm getting married? x(

   I threatened a man with a knife today. It was a bit silly really, he could have stabbed me.

   whips her hair back and forth.

   Can someone explain cheese to me? Who smelled vomit and feet and asked "can I get that on a cracker?"

   looking for a large, orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 7 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-FREEZING if found.

   having a bad day. There's a tampon behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   I thought I was going crazy. So I went to a therapist. After half an hour, he paid me to leave. I heard that he is now seeing a therapist.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!

   Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”