Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Booked into a hotel and as a man of God I said "Right young man, I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." The receptionist said "No, it's just normal porn you sick f*ck."

   Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.

   Jimmy Kimmel has declared today "National UnFriend Day." Don't forget to UnFriend some non-friends today. Then tell your real friends how much you appreciate them!

   Facebook should just change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?" ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

   Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.

   Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.

   TSA Pat Downs. Stealing the Mile High Club's thunder since 2010.

   When someone asks you if these jeans make their butt look big...apparently "I don't know let me jog around back there and take a look" is the response you should give if you want things thrown at your head...

   Thank goodness my Internet is working again. I don't have all your mailing addresses.

   Why when I pump $20 worth of gas when I get to the 19th dollars it goes into retard mode and take 10 mintues for the last dollar

   I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

   Does anyone know the over under on people getting trampled to death at the Great Wal-Mart of China next week?

   's sister asked if the dress she was wearing made her ass look big... I told her No!....it was all the crap she ate that made it look big

   Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

   Why are Softballs hard?

   Why is an alarm clock going “off” when it actually turns on?

   What was the best thing before sliced bread?

   How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   How can there be self-help “groups”?

   If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.