Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me??

   : Am I the only one who sat in class during high school and imagined what I would do to people if I could stop time?

   amazed how unexpectedly and rapidly things can change. I am Gizmo and water was just splashed on me.

   My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

   what do you get when you cross GPS with PMS? A Crazy Beotch that will find you wherever you go!

   Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take?

   Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.

   yo, people that drive 10 mph under the speed limit 'cuz there's a cop behind you. stop it. you ain't gettin' free donuts or anything...

   Back in my day there were only 151 Pokémon...

   Just for laughs I typed 'crazy beotch' into my gps and it gave me directions to my exes house!

   The funniest thing I've ever discovered. Go to Google Maps, then click get directions in the top left corner. Start in Japan and make your destination China. Look at direction number 43.

   Seriously someone has to teach Cupid how to shoot straight

   Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway

   Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.

   Don't worry about life, you're not going to survive it anyway.

   I'm ok with my masculinity, enough to eat a Blow Pop in public. But I won't swallow the gum.

   a snuggie made out of shamwow material.

   being a politician is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f'ing them."

   myspace, then facebook, then twitter. Next? mylifetotallyexposed . com

   ‎"POOF" did you see that?? No you didn't did you?? "MAGIC" that's why!!!