Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks marriage should be a 4 year contract with an option to renew.

   Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.

   After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

   it takes me five minutes to get dressed and fifty-five minutes looking for my other shoe....

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   my daughter saw a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does, "A f r I c a n Elephant"

   Sitting at home looking at boobies on the internet is much like being at a strip club. You are drunk as hell, can't actually touch them and there is usually some weird ass music playing, but at least it's cheaper!

   Just finished watching Karate Kid... Why am I throwing high kicks and making ninga sounds? Yaaaaaaa hoo!

   The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

   It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

   Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

   Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

   Honk if you love peace and quiet.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

   My girlfriend is currently trying to understand my desire to unicycle. She accepted my ukulele playing, but this is apparently too far!

   hears there may not be any football in 2011, and would like to thank the Dallas Cowboys for preparing us with no football in 2010.

   What's LOVE? In math: A problem... In history: A war... In chemistry: A reaction... In art: A heart...In me: You...

   When life leaves you speechless, music provides the lyrics to help you find the meaning...