Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants to give someone jello and chopsticks and then sit back and watch the show!

   Playing Wheel Of Fortune- Phrase G_F_CK Y_ _RS_LF ..would you like to solve or would you like to buy a vowel??

   How soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?

   Was always told to practice the Golden Rule-treat others like I wanted to be treated...so I spanked you and pulled your hair.

   You've been banged more times than a ketchup bottle!

   why have rifles, bombs and guns when you can have the good oul fashioned snowball

   Since when does 3-6 inches of snow draw the need for a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called that winter.

   Wonders if a Facebook "Poke" is equivalent to a "Quickie". Please tell me, I'm not the only one who has pondered this...

   "Duct tape" - finding a cure to noise pollution, one mouth at a time.

   I see Charlie Brown hittin' on Jessica Rabbitt, Transformers talkin dirty to Sailor Moon, Daria sxting Rainbow Brite, Woodpeckers and Woodys gettin buzz lightyeared, wtf .. I'm goin back 2 sleep

   Like this status if you have ever tried to accomplish something before the microwave timer ends.

   attempting to work the word "Flagrant" in to my conversations this afternoon as I just like saying it!

   Thinks its funny when people read someone elses status & start to wonder if it has something to do with them.

   Why does everyone say, "Calgon, take me away!" when they are having a bad day? Calgon doesn't have anything on a little bit of whiskey or beer.

   When they discover the center of the universe, some people will be very disappointed when they find out it's not them.

   Yes officer, I did hit the pedestrian, but instead of dwelling on that why not focus on how many I've missed??

   convinced there is NO functional family. Every family has a relative they would prefer to keep kidden. If you think your family doesn't have one...it's YOU.

   I've given up jogging for GOOD! I realized it was hazardous to my health after my thighs rubbed together so much my underwear caught on fire!

   No officer...I'm not slurring my speech. I'm speaking in cursive...

   :): The Bipolar smiley face