Funny Status Messages and Tweets

    is officially proclaiming that the bird is no longer the word. The new word is legs, go spread the word.

   I just got home from the airport where I chose the advanced pat down option and now it really hurts when I pee. I really hope that's just a coincidence

   "Bacon is meat candy."

   woke up this morning with an awful hangover and see that there are a lot of male and female cartoon character complaining of a wild night and drunken blackouts. I predict some pretty goofy lookin' babies in 9 months!

   Just caught my kids arguing over who loved me more...it would've been sweet but they were pushing each other and saying "you love him more"..."uh uh you love him more"...

   willing to go the extra mile... as long as it is not in your shoes!

   While your at camp for deer season, I'm out hunting the beaver you left behind.

   Ok, I'm gettin' friend requests from Heathcliffe & Sponge Bob, Cinderella, the Smurfs & Donald Duck talkin bout gettin f&*ked up tonight .. Somethings wrong with this picture

   Only 60 shopping days left until black history month!

   Am I the only one who thinks that they should be a bracket style tournament for the gangs on Gangland? I would definitely put the DVR to some good use. .

   Sometimes when I'm bored I take red and blue M&Ms and walk up to random people...And try too convince them that one of them will get'em out the Matrix.....

   Change your FB profile picture to a hot pin up model/actress from whenever. The goal is not to see an ugly face on Facebook until December 7th. Support those that aren't getting any.

   May your dirty socks crawl up upon your face as you sleep

   Where's the damn easy button!?!

   Wonders why people stare at you when they catch you talking to yourself...EXCUSE ME but I'm having a conversation here!!!

   Life was so simple back when we didn't need a Username and a Password.

   if it wasn't obvious before, it should be now.....The 80s had the best cartoons.

   wonders...if a cow gets struck by lightning, is that fast food?

   The best thing about this status is by the time you realize it's completely worthless it's too late for you to stop reading it. ;)

   Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth!! Thank you!