Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5434 of 6385
I used to care but now I take a pill for that...
Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.
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11-15-2010 18:20 by TC
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
it just me or do TSA Agents remind you of Far Side characters?
If I had a million dollars, I'd buy a brewery, and turn the planet into alcoholics
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11-15-2010 18:13
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Dont send me no questions to my inbox...Cuz I aint answering them...I aint yo Magic 8-ball...
I hate when I get some Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.
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11-15-2010 17:48
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enough about what's on my mind, what's on yours?
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11-15-2010 17:41
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...baby, if you were a sandwich at McDonald's, you'd be the McGorgeous!
beauty is power, and a smile is its' sword.
I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you and everyone else, so I can't help that.
If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.
Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.
Note to Self: Hang up phone BEFORE talking sh!t.
Do I need a receipt to bring sexy back?
I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.
You know that movie where the guy needs to keep his adrenaline level up or he dies? My weekend was just like that, except the opposite.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm taking a dump.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Video game truths: anyone with a lower score than me is a loser and anyone with a higher score is a loser with no life!