Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says change your birthday on facebook to todays date, and see how many of your "friends" are totally clueless

   likes the Hide button so much that he is now working on one for the laundry.

   wants to point out that real men don't sparkle.

   I know alcohol is never the answer, but it's always my best guess.

   Why hasn't Sears made a riding vacuum cleaner?

   "Oh, the weather outside..... is the weather......"

   Update on my diet....its December and so far this year I've lost 12 months!! I would like to thank the website I found that allows me to purchase Cadbury mini eggs year round!!

   I wonder how many fries are eaten every year between the drive thru window and the parking lot exit.

   Has just been kidnapped by a fat man in a red suit and put in a bag, ALRIGHT! FESS UP! Who put me on there Christmas list?

   it just me or everytime someone says "and one time" you are thinking "at band camp" in the back of your head...

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   My parole officer heard I joined Facebook, so he came by and removed my house arrest ankle bracelet.... Because, really, where am I going?

   This lady in front of me has more coupons than groceries!

   You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   I think the best thing about being in the house of a hoarder is that you can take stuff home with you and they would never even notice.

   My naked girlfriend just fell on the floor as she was climbing into bed. 5 second rule?

   Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!

   Join the fight against high heating cost by supporting your local heating assistance program. Change your profile pic to a pic of your cold nipples and together we can stop the winter cold. The goal is to turn Facebook into all nipples by Dec 21st.

   Dear Santa, every year you bring me coal. Could you bring me a BBQ pit so I can use them this year? Thank you in advance.

   ♫♫♪♪ It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer ♪♪♫♫