Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q:Why do you want to be a flight attendant? A:So I can be high all day.  

   I be the internet moves quite fast between midnight and 3am. All the Potter geeks will be at the movies rather than searching for online "secrets".

   Worried about traveling on Turkey Day, the full body scan screener may think I have a rilfe in my pants.

   I felt like an escaped hostage after finally getting off the phone with this long winded guy...do

   It's amazing how many Catholic priests have left the church to pursue careers with the TSA...

   theres only one way to become champion ......... never loose

   you can't tune a piano, but you can tune a fish

   I just bought the Complete Idiot's Guide to saving money for only $89.99!

   I hold my Nintendo gun sideways when I'm playing Duck Hunt cause I'm a Gangsta!

   Everyone complains about octomom but everyone loves the duggars who popped out 20+ of those things. Shows you americans don't understand how much octo means

   My adopted asian baby and I went to go pick out a pet, I suggested a lizard and she started screaming and crying. Who knew asian babies know of godzilla at 2 years of age

   Always use tasteful words because you may have to eat them.

   The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

   The older I get, the more I desperately cling to my immaturity.

   I'm living the dream! Unfortunately, I think it's the bad one where I come to school with no pants on.

   Playing monopoly with a jew, a woman and a black person. It's very awkward because the black person is in jail, the woman is the iron and the jew is the banker

   For those of you who know what Moth Balls smell like I have only one question. How'd you get your nose between the little fellas legs?

   Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

   "I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment