Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.

   Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave.

   You know how when you walk up a staircase in the dark and you can't see where the last step is? I live for that feeling.

   doesn't think that even Ferris Bueller could get him out of work tomorrow.. :-(

   I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.

   I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth" not to tell them "you can't handle the truth!"

   Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It's not me, It's you, you make me miserable. I think it's time I start seeing other seasons. you wouldn't by chance have the phone number of your hot cousin Summer?

   To all the people that send those annoying Christmas chain text messages I HOPE YOU GET COAL THIS YEAR UNDER YOUR TREE!!!

   Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.

   Using a stapler and duct tape sure makes wrapping presents easy....

   BREAKING NEWS: Rudolph commits suicide after Santa upgrades to GPS

   I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

   doesn't think drinking will solve your problems... but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   Some relatives are like seeing Santa; you only care to see them once a year.

   If one more person says "all I want for christmas is you" they are gonna get me... with a baseball bat

   when you get pulled over for a D.U.I quickly pull off the lable off of the beer and stick it on ur forehead and tell the officer you havn't been drinking ur on the patch!"

   Dear Santa, when your done writing the naughty list, can I get my lil black book back? Cheers Guv

   Does not set out to shock or offend anyone, but also does not do anything to prevent it.

   When your ex says: "You'll never find someone like me" you are supposed to turn around and say: "God I sure hope not!!"

   I heard the weatherman say to watch out for "black Ice"...I think that terminology is terribly offensive...should be "Ice that you cannot see, ice" or "Watermelon ice"...