Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was ready to run for it when I heard the fire alarm go off at the Dentist's today. But he assured me it was just a drill.

   The plastic surgeon was quoting patients who had his scrotal enlargement procedure. Yes, they were testi-monials.

   I have two snakes strapped to my windscreen. They're my vipers.

   Don't be afraid to cut people off-Lorena Bobbitt

   Can't decide between joining the US military, or opening a musical instrument store. I'm stuck between Iraq and a harp place.

   All my friends just got fired from the rodeo. It was a real Cowboy boot.

   The Go-Go's are bringing a vegetable to tonight's dinner party. They said, "We got the beet."

   when I am in a store I always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

   “Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?” - A Novel About Living with Small Children

   So... what's this I hear about Coronas being infected?

   Blocked someone for correcting my grammer and it feelded so good...

   I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.

   Yes, you know...the same Stormy Daniels ordered to pay $293,000 to him for lying.

   You mean lies like "I never met Stormy Daniel's in my life"?

   It's sad to watch folks who have been lied to by the Dems, CNN and the MSM for so long that they don't know the truth when they finally see it face to face.

   Trying to impeach a man whom wants to put God back in school will send you all straight to Hell.

   Last night I saw a gigantic spider in our bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got into an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.

   I sent wait for the devil to take the souls of the ones who believes in taking an oath to God, but applauding when the GOP blatantly lies in order to protect someone.

   Imagine if Ted Bundy was treated with such leniency at his trial....

   it rude to start asking my mother-in-law for daily child care fees? Her child is a handful and I don't work for free.