Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feels sorry for people who are on trial. Their future is put into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Remember fellas, no matter how good she looks, if she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   feels sorry for people who are on trial. Their future is put into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Just because you saw a movie with singing, it doesn't mean you can sing when you get out....the same applies to Karate movies.

   Macaroni wouldn't be nothing if it weren't for cheese. Cheese, on the other hand, doesn't need macaroni to stay pimp. I think we all know who wears the pants in the macaroni and cheese relationship.

   only in Texas, this time of the year, does the weather change so drastically that you are put in a situation where the downstairs a/c makes the upstairs heater come on...

   Cranberry sauce is seriously misnamed. Sauce doesn't retain the shape of the can it comes in. Let's call it what it is. That stuffs cranberry jello.

   received a warning that aliens are abducting all of the sexy people in the world! Don't panic, you are safe! I am just writing to say goodbye!

   It's funny...they leave the vault doors wide open in banks but somehow have those .50 cent pens chained to the tables.

   Why is it that car commercials know which old songs were good but oldies radio stations don't?

   If Jim Rockford was such a good detective, how come he could never figure out that he wasn't going to get paid?

   Thanksgiving leftovers idea #57: Turkey margarita.

   I'm so hungry I could eat a Sarah Jessica Parker

   the first rule of Sam's Club is that you will not admit that you were stupid enough to go there on Black Friday

   Writing. Like. This. Doesn't. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

   Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix and Bill Nye all have the same birthday. And that day is today. November 27th should be renamed Awesome Day

   Dear radio stations. I appreciate that you waited until after Thanksgiving to start in with the Christmas music... but could you tone it down a little bit? You're gonna kill it for me if it goes on like this for a month. Thank you

   Alright, Captain Morgan, I'll make you a deal....I'll stop drinking when you put your foot down.

   I love Beer. I would marry Beer if I could. ''Do you, Beer, take me to be your awfully wetted wife....until a DUI do us part? I LOVE YOU, BEER!"

   Pouring milk on Doritos and pretending it's cereal isn't as good of an idea as I thought it would be.