Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The dogbone cutout cookies didn't exactly keep their shape after baking. What am I going to do with 12 dozen double pe#is shaped cookies?

   She's doing shots in her underwear , a fur hat an mittens!!! I'm never coming home!!!

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving

   When you fight with a pig in the mud you both get dirty, but the pig likes it!

   I think the grammatically correct way to describe my current Christmas disposition would have to be "present tense".

   The Co-op ran of out of milk again because of the bad weather. Thankfully Doreen, my 92 yr old neighbour, has loads of it piled up at her front door.

   BBC NEWS: Government plans to ban all Internet porn. On an unrelated note, does anyone want to buy a laptop?

   You think you've got problems? I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.

   I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.

   Last night I tried to go out for an Italian meal, but there was a large, fat lady standing in the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.

   Only Till Facebook came Along Did We Realize How Much We All Like.

   just spent an hour at Walmart and I no longer believe in evolution.

   Save the stamp. I see enough pictures of your kids on facebook. #MerryChristmas.

   got bored with the eclipse and watched Lord of the G-strings instead.

   nickname is shower,turn me on & I will make you very wet

   Takes 600 photos, chooses the most flattering photo of myself, and then goes through grueling editing before uploading a new profile picture. Then make it seem like it was a random upload, I'm sneaky like that

   despite the clouds... last night's Eclipse was way better than the Twilight movie...

   Let's hope this Eclipse tonight is better than the last Twilight movie....

   The weather outside is frightful! Hot sex is so delightful,theres nobody else you know, text a ho,text a ho,text a ho

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."