Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If one more person says "all I want for christmas is you" they are gonna get me... with a baseball bat

   when you get pulled over for a D.U.I quickly pull off the lable off of the beer and stick it on ur forehead and tell the officer you havn't been drinking ur on the patch!"

   Dear Santa, when your done writing the naughty list, can I get my lil black book back? Cheers Guv

   Does not set out to shock or offend anyone, but also does not do anything to prevent it.

   When your ex says: "You'll never find someone like me" you are supposed to turn around and say: "God I sure hope not!!"

   I heard the weatherman say to watch out for "black Ice"...I think that terminology is terribly offensive...should be "Ice that you cannot see, ice" or "Watermelon ice"...

   Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" OBVIOUSLY, I thought I was going to get AWAY with it!

   Trying to find a website with all the WikiLeaks information just in case they also have Santa's naughty list!

   Thinks given the choice between Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, I would prefer Parkinson's. I would rather spill a little beer rather than forget where I put it.

   So, Terrelle Pryor gets suspended, but Cam Newton gets a Heisman? Oh, ok, that's fair

   Don't wait for the perfect moment...Take the moment and make it perfect!

   Go ahead, try and hang them with care and see if that holds. I'm hanging my stockings with tacks this year.

   I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.

   When the doctor says "drop your pants" I can never resist the urge to say "ooooohhh....Kinkeh!"

   I hate it when elderly women try to trick you. Like when they make chocolate chip cookies, and you take a bite only to notice it's filled with raisins and not chocolate chips! EVIL I tell you ...those cheapskates!

   I always like to keep a "trial size" hand sanitizer with me at all times. Not to keep my hands clean, but in case I have to "fake" sneeze on the back of someones head for being an idot or slow.

   When you send me a message that starts off "I remember how much fun we had!" in your friend request...Please take the profile picture of your grandmother with the new baby down. That scares the hell out of me!

   would like to see a more man-friendly mall for next Christmas. It needs to have a Home Depot, AutoZone, Bass Pro Shop, Lowe's, Sears, Gander Mtn, Pep Boys, a Longhorn Steakhouse and ESPN radio playing over the christmas tunes.

   Dear kids, there is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents love, Wikileaks

   When he says "We could be friends".. I feel like replying " We COULD be rare specimen of an exotic breed of dancing african elephants, But we are not... Atleast, I'M not !!