Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying it's bad for a girl's pubes to be showing.... I'm saying it matters which end of her shorts they're showing from.

   Dear Santa, I was framed.

   I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   You don't get old, you just become a classic.

   when life hands you lemons, through it back at live and say hey I asked for limes

   Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin' STILL isn't easy.

   If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak.

   Facebook keeps telling me your friends are waiting, go use friend finder to find your friends. stfu seriously go find your own friends facebook and leave me the hell alone.

   ■I'm going to protect my statuses on Christmas this year so Santa can't “know when I'm not sleeping or know when I'm awake.” Take that!

   I heard a fantastic idea today. Instead of the strip-screener machines at the airport, we need a reinforced isolation chamber, once in, any explosives on the body are somehow detonated. Everyone is happy.

   My sex drive isn't too bad..... There's a hooker just three blocks from here.

   In this kind of weather I like to get a space heater, a good book, a pot of coffee, and curl up on the toilet.

   My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. ... Which is a shame, because I fancy him.

   This one time, at band camp....I beat a kid unconscious with a trumpet for constantly quoting a movie from over 10 years ago.

   If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

   'Tis the season when we buy this year's gift with our next year's money...'

   This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you'd be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.

   My moral compass always gets me lost.

   My girlfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I replied "your sister." Was that wrong?

   I don't care about your opinion enough to argue with you about anything.