Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I now know what that black stuff is between elephants toenails....slow natives.

   Ok I've had enough of this winter crap. I say we plot now to take out the groundhog. I got a shotgun.

   If Windows 7 is my idea, why the heck do I have to pay for it?

   I'm an optimist and Windows 8 will be my idea.

   All I have ever wanted is to be left alone......................in South America...............with a tribe of sex-starved Amazon women

   ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington

   you're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

   "Do they know it's christmas time at all?" Yeah they should. They made most of the presents.

   Dear Santa, please let me take a look of your good girls gone bad list.

   *WARNING* My caffeine level is dangerously LOW! Approach at your own risk! (this has been a public service announcement)

   Cheer up Prince Charles! They only vandalised your car with a bit of white paint. It's not like they deliberately chased your car into a tunnel during the night and murdered you.

   When I arrive some place, I will sit in my car an just listen n wait for a favorite song to end. :D like this if you do the same!

   Why cant Christmas colors be somthing other than red and green, I run so many redlights driving downtown thinking they are just Christman lights!

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   Tonight reinforced my long standing belief: In regards to females, Single, Sane, Attractive. Pick two.

   Poems that don't rhyme are just really weird sentences that make people feel awkward.

   To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

   I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?

   I dont even call it a hangover anymore. I just call it ''morning''.

   not looking for a slut....just someone with slut-like tendencies.....