Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just had a moment of clarity...now i'm just waiting on the moment of give a sh!t to kick in to see what happens...

   It is friggin' cold folks...feels like about 5 degrees with a shrinkage factor of ~9...well, at least for some of us...

   Some people shouldn't be allowed to drive and talk on the phone, but not me though because I can drive with my knees.

   told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he understands English.

   I feel for those straving kids when I see those feed the children commercials...But when they show those kids and the lil fly comes and lands on there heads its a lil over the top..Cuz I dont care how hungry you are you got enough energy to knock a fly aw

   atleast none of us agree with tom cruise lol.... now back to the good ol days of funny updates shall we

   I think if a mandatory viewing of the movie, "Dogma" , has ever been warranted, this might be the day

   Did a law pass that I don't know about which requires all minivans to go 15mph under the posted speed limit on AM freeways?

   Starting my new excercise routine- I am tired of looking like I have two sets of breasts.

   If you need a Facebook application to tell you what cereal you are, I'll save you the suspense... you're a Fruit Loop

   Weather Warning for Glendale, AZ tonight: Reigning Ducks........

   BBC News: David and Victoria Beckham expecting fourth child. Oh wait, no, she's just eaten an apple.

   I'm sorry miss, but if you didn't want your melons squeezed than you shouldn't work in produce section.

   Huh, as a child I hated to get spanked with a belt and it made me cry. Yet as an adult I enjoy it and it makes me smile. Go figure.

   Derek Rowe Lease just signed... Movin away from the old meth and crack heads next to some nice occasional cocaine users..

   Arkansas forecast for tomorrow ...3 inches of birds

   when I was a kid the "parental control" button was a belt.

   what with all this god stuff, Stop it . Get a life you must be a myspace person.

   after hearing about the world coming to an end soon I feel that it is my duty to warn you all as friends that when the zombies are chasing....i will trip you !

   I've always been taught to be patient, but now I'm worried that I'm just encouraging idiots to waste people's time.