Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If women just did the same things they did while auditioning for the ring after they got the ring there would be less divorce

   All I want in this world is some one I can turn to and yell, "Avenge Me!!" if I'm dying or wrongly accused of a crime. Oh and rocket shoes

   The only difference between the lead singer of Hanson and Justin Bieber is that we know Bieber is a girl!

   if I wanted patience I would have been a doctor!

   playing loud music to keep from hearing her own thoughts

   wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can't they invent a self cleaning house?

   caffeinating.

   now on two diets...because she was still hungry after just one

   planning a night she can't remember!

   •giving "the silent treatment" only matters to those who want to hear what you have to say.

   •When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom...I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my robe...now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself......

   trying to decide if she has an attitude problem today, or not.

   says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"

   so broke that she's going to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

   Alabama maybe 49th in unenployment and 4th in crime but we are #1 in college football. Go SEC.

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

   I just let my mind wander, but it didn't come back yet.

   Remember when only the really cool people were on Facebook? Oh, you weren't here then? Oops, my bad.

   If someone ever tells you "we need to talk" they dont care about anything you have to say.

   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.