Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for solitaire.

   You see all this snow and complain, I see potential for filling my bathtub with it and chilling many beers for a party!

   After all these years of impotence, on my headstone I want it to read, "Stiff At Last"

   I truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile...Then we can be NEW friends!!

   looks like I picked the wrong week to quit Facebook.

   You know the whole "pissing in the wind" thing...don't get tempted to try it...SIde Note: I Googled urine, and it is completely sterile...Just in case curiosity gets the best of ya...

   like the iPhone: you no longer have exclusive rights to me!

   The doctor handed me a referral note to see a specialist. I looked at it and said, "And I'd like you to see Mrs. Anderson, my 3rd grade teacher... she did wonders for my handwriting!"

   If you pull them up high enough, any underwear becomes a thong.

   I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.

   -2-Face contact with this so called "Future-me" or it could have serious affects on the way of life as I know it now... "I knew I would own a Delorean one day... HIGH FIVE

   A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum...

   A chinese couple had a black baby guess what they named him? Sum ting wong

   As an experiment I'm going to try to see life through the eyes of a man...dammit, I can't stop staring at my a$$ in the mirror!

   Man life is a bi+ch..why couldn't it be a slut? At least then it would be easy!

   The sexual position, more commonly known as 69 will now be known as 96. Due to the economy, it now costs more to eat out than it use to.

   Every man should carry a sharp knfife , a sharp pen and a sharp tongue but only a gentlemen knows whe to use them

   I began to slip while going to my car but turned it into a fantastic Moonwalk instead...man I got skills!

   I'm a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt. I was f-kin hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

   Kate Middleton asks the Queen the secret of a successful marriage. The Queen says, "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."