Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   very sure her exhusband is smiling at his girlfriends new red hair because now she resembles me even more.

   i like my suits like I like my women..... double breasted

   someday everything will all make sense

   Sometimes I will post on a friend's wall because a really ugly person just did I want my pic to look good next to it in comparison. And if the next person thats posts is ugly....bonus!!

   If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

   There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

   For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from Mcdonalds for making this post possible!!!

   Most people find it difficult to accept change. But from my experience its impossible to get strippers to accept it.

   Confucius says ....well nothing anymore actually. The man has been dead since 479 BC!

   When I was 18 I used to worry that I didn't do it enough, now that I'm over 40 I worry I might have to do it.

   Thank you drive thru worker man for not only making me ask for ketchup but for also giving me only 2 packages for my large fry.

   somedays you're the duck, somedays you're the goose.

   thinks Cupid should upgrade to a crossbow and dip his arrows in Rohypnol to help out the really ugly people.

   you will have "im a barbie girl" in your head in 2 seconds.(:

   If you're going to poke me, you better buy me dinner first.

   I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   Facebook is basically a crazy house. People poke each other all day, have an imaginary pet, farm, and city, talk to walls, and have random arguments with people.

   If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

   feels incredibly overwhelmed by all the work I have to do today... Of course, the responsible thing to do is to update my Facebook status.