Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Mr. Pinto Bean, I'm very sorry I ate you and a couple of hundred of your friends, but there is no need for you to panic and plot your escape.....

   I like walking into bars and hitting up the jute box and playing Right Said Fred I'm too sexy 20 times in a row and leaving!

   ..and I would have gotten away with it, if it wasnt for those meddling policemen

   wants to be Oprah"s secret half sister!

   Attention kids in high school: If you're b@#$%ing that Facebook is "becoming myspace".... it's because of you.... please stop b@#$%ing and use facebook for what it was made for... to lurk on other peoples photos

   I hate when people talk on there phones in public restrooms. Who are you?? Ricky Martin?!?! You ain't that damn important

   If I had to choose one person that I really look up to.... It would be myself, for having the strength to get up everyday and overcome myself.... I'm the most self-destructive person alive

   Would just love to punch someone in the Kidneys but apparently society frowns upon that

   after being put up for adoption at birth, I am looking forward to finally meeting my half sisters Patricia, and Oprah.

   I'm sure the same people questioning Cutler's toughness are probably also wondering why Congresswoman Giffords isn't back 2 work yet!

   I agree that some people might have been dropped on their head as a baby....but some people were clearly thrown against a wall

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.

   Obesity doesn't run in your family - NO ONE runs in your family!!!

   I may wear my heart on my sleeve but I'm changing that shirt soon.

   going to get some of that Saturday night beaver.

   wonders if "Being Comfortable with your Sexuality" was one of the requirements when they were looking for guys to be in the Shake Weight commercial.

   finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep it's ashes out of the fireplace.

   needs to have a fixed income... mine is broken.

   Time flies when you're having beer.

   doesn't accept blame well... but it's not my fault.