Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I listed Starbucks as my emergency contact at work.

   I'm not a social drinker. It's mostly work related.

   I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

   She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

   It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

   I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

   My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

   "Dad, what does 'gay' mean?" "It means 'to be happy'." "Are you gay?" "No, son. I'm married."

   Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   I stopped listening when you said "No."

   If you can read, then this status doesn't apply to you.

   Men are the best cooks. Because with two eggs, one sausage and a little bit of milk, he can fill a girl's tummy for nine months.

   I live every day like it's my first. There's a lot of crying and sleeping involved.

   I didn't mean to get drunk, it just seems to happen when I drink.

   and with a flick of my lighter, the dishes are done.

   ~ Proud to be the winner of the sperm race ~

   I think American Idol could make it a little more interesting by adding a trap door.

   in the future wedding vows will include "Do you take this person as your married to status link on Facebook?"

   storming the Castle Anthrax all alone and doesn't want any back up!