Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are like Parking spaces.. all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!! :)

   "Domino's Pizza is now made with real cheese"........ WTF were you using before!

   I just got a text from a wrong number that said "I think my ex is stalking my friends"... so I replied back "No I'm not."

   Ah winter, that beautiful time of year for frozen engines, broken car starters and screeching fan belts. Bliss 

   Joe the Bartender: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed... But the law allows only one wife so your chances of finding these qualities in slim to none. So start with the bed part and work from t

   We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police!

   to the police officer : " Is not because I'm Drunk ! Is only because my Power Balance is not working! :Q

   cant wait till the kids get older so I dont have to bring in the groceries

   I was thinking....I bet airfare to Egypt is crazy cheap right about now. I've never seen the pyramids, are they still standing?? Oh never mind, they got no internet, I'M NOT GOING!!!

   ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?

   We were given the go-ahead to wear Packers stuff to work this week... I wonder how long I'll be able to get away with a pair of jeans and green and gold body paint on the rest of me with a beer can hat...

   This girl walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Hard of hearing the man says "come again?" She replies, "no mustard."

   Just finished building Rome with Lego. Took me a day.

   don't ask me how my nap was. I slept through it. That's how my nap was!

   - Seen a tv program about sharks . Sharks have been around for 400 million years , unless you believe the bible which says the earth is only 6000 years old !! ........ I believe the sharks !!

   The Bangles just issued a press release that they have a new song coming out. "Run Like an Egyptian"

   I have a feeling that If alive today Hosni Mubarak's "mummy" would be disappointed!

   I seriously wonder how people find me on Facebook when we have 0 mutual friends

   Listening to streaming radio with the news muted on TV. The Bengals song "Walk Like an Egyptian" came on right in the middle of a live shot of the Egyptian unrest. Long story short- I just had a Keanu Reeves "Whoa" moment.

   Willy Wonka One of your Oompa Loompas have escaped. If you are looking for her, she is on Jersey Shore.