Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The pity train has derailed at the intersection of “suck it up” and “move on” and has crashed into “I don't give a damn”. So sorry ….

   There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves

   Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible

   If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem

   has lost his shoes

   I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I'm going back to bed for six weeks.

   Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today.

   Winter, slumbering in the open air, wears on its smiling face a dream... of spring. Ciao

   Of course the snow is really "coming down" out there. What? As opposed to it going up?

   President Obama is celebrating Black History Month, but just for the first two weeks.........

   For those men who don't pee in the shower, I SALUTE you!!

   My wakeup song this morning was Strokin IT by Clarence Carter!!!! Must have been all that wishful dreaming last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Groundhog just slid a note under the door that read 6 more months winter. Don't worry I've got my shotgun and I'm asking him again.

   Happy Groundhogs Day. No way Phil is coming out of his hole today.....

   Two winners for mega millions. One in Indiana and one in Michigan. I hope they both lose their tickets in the snow!

   Women need a reason to have sex.. Men just need a place

   This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather

   I think this whole verify your account thing is a bunch of garbage. So I'm not going to follow the crowd and "verify" mine...so if you lose me as a friend I guess they were serious lol

   happy CAPS LOCK DAY

   Hosni Mubarak should have listened to me when I told him to get rid of that Justin Bieber song from his i-pod playlist