Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   being colourblind doesn't stop me enjoying life. the other night I saw joseph and his amazing brown coat . it was great .

   has got a damaged glass front door . Hey don't knock it

   tried to hang myself with a clip-on tie. Broke both of my legs

   Dear Alcohol... Will you be my valentine? ♥

   I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune! : )

   I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done.......

   My GPS keeps sending me through sketchy neighborhoods, but I go along, ‘cause I don't want my GPS to think I'm racist.

   If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.

   Lucky = A man who is a woman's 1st love. Luckier = A woman who is a man's last love.

   having a mental margarita. It was delivered by a shirtless cabana boy.

   While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

   I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.

   .569 seconds...the amount of time it takes me to get away from a spider.

   When a man says "I can't find it", he actually means, "Since it is not within a two foot radius of me, I have no clue where it could be".

   You know it's cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.

   it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson's by 2011?

   I love hearing those 3 little words..."Your prescription's ready".

   Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.

   Word for today: Dipshidiot

   Spiders: Nature's little reminder that you can still scream like a little girl.