Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you think it's OK to cross out the word LOVE on a Valentines card and replace it with "WANNA F&@K"?

   I believe the children are our future... and after my last trip to Wal-Mart... I believe our future looks bleak...

   Do those Jehovah Witness guys on the bicycles ride south for the winter? Hadn't seen them in awhile.

   Strategies' are like women…some come quickly…some take some work…and some can have multiple outcomes…However, sometimes it is best to take matters into your own hands…

   Microsoft and Nokia teamed up to start developing smart phones. Isn't Nokia still making brick cell phones with snake on them?

   wants a Phd in Sarcasm !!

   After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing

   My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

   you dont pay her for sex, you pay her to leave after you are done

   No education/common sense + a little success/money = Broke in a few years.

   Every time someone uses "your" instead of "you're" on Facebook, an angel punches a kitten in the face.

   when judging someone for falling down remember someday you may need them to help you up.

   The only 3 words I'm expecting to hear this Valentines Day are.... "Your perscription's ready..."

   note to self, next time at the sperm bank.. when offered 'adult materials', don't give a quick wink to the nurse and say "no thanks, I've got a great imagination".

   clothes dont make the man, but he gets no respect without them

   Friend: Who r you going for in the Superbowl? Me: Um, the Superbowl was last weekend. Friend: Ya, but isn't there several? Me: No dude, there's only one.....i think your thinking of baseball...

   BREAKING NEWS: Mubarak to remain in office, "I will step down when the Cleveland Cavaliers win a game." More details coming soon.......

   While I'm Gone....Just smile it's the 2nd Best thing you can do with your Lips....

   We've gotten too much snow lately. Everywhere outside it looks whiter than the audience at a Toby Keith concert!

   not pleased with the results of Googling myself.